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Terry Winsor - Things Lavatorial

In 1963 we were in Thailand on Exercise "Dhana Rajata" our camp was set up at a place called Ubon and the latrines within the camp were dug/bored by the Royal Engineers using a bore drill [similar to a large cork screw] so that the diameter of the hole was about 12 inches. After a couple of weeks the latrines became a bit "wiffy" to say the least. The SSM told the duty Sgt [or was it the RP Sgt can't remember his name but believe he was a Scot!] and his band of duty signalman to clean up the area and pour quote that stuff that kills smells unquote down the holes. The Sgt had, he thought, a better idea. He told his band of workers to pour petrol down the holes and he would set fire to them, thus destroying smell and contents in one go! Now you can imagine this deep 12 inch bore hole with half a jerry can of petrol down it and all the fumes therein. The Sgt decided to light each hole simultaneously by getting each signalman to throw a lighted match down each hole on his word of command. Hey presto,  six latrines exploded and propelled their contents high into the air, the majority of the fallout landed within the Officers tented area and on top of their Mess!!! Guess who wasn't amused.

Ernie Hudson - Always Volunteer!!

This happened when  I was 206 Signal Squadron, Barnard Castle.  One day the troop was paraded outside Troop Office and the RSM asked for volunteers and of course there is an old army saying - never volunteer, so only 4 responded,  but he needed 5 and I was one of them.  You should have seen the rest of the troop when he told us to go up to the sports store and draw Skiing gear everybody wanted to volunteer and guess who had a great 5 weeks skiing in Bavaria.........who said you should never volunteer.

Tony Ratcliffe  - Turn-out

LT Brian Willis sent for me , I was stood down this day so I reported to him in mufti , consisting of , flip-flops , jeans that had some how got paint on them at 2 Sigs ( another story) and a polo shirt that would no longer fit Ernie. He looked at me , laughed and said I shouldn't have bothered dressing for the occasion. Not so funny yet. 
Later that week we had a drill parade. By my standards I wasn't too bad , mainly because Joe had done my boots and brasses and the Dhobi Wallah my O.G's . Still , at the pre - inspection when Brian came to me , he looked , sadly shook his head and moved on . Ken Sixsmith who was following him leant over and whispered " don't worry son I know how it is , you could be dressed by Hardy Amies and still look like a bag of shit tied in the middle ". Good old Ken, that really made me feel better.

Ken Mackenzie

ONE. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO. I was checking out at the local Target with just a few items and the woman behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all
over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 

"Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE.  A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR. I recently saw a distraught young woman weeping beside her car "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
walk."

FIVE. Several years ago, we had a junior typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the junior took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX. Police in Dubbo NSW interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopier machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

I'm keeping a close eye out for amphibians..

A man with a 25 inch long p*nis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you."

So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my p*nis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope."

The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem.

Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, "will you marry me?"

When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his p*nis was 5 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud,"this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his p*nis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter.

The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his p*nis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" 

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you?

NO, NO, NO!!!